Jonah’s Bad Vacation

A brief summary and personal commentary on Jonah chapter 1.

The prophet Jonah was strutting along one day, just chillin, when God said to him, “Jonah, go to Nineveh and preach against it, they have gone crazy wicked.”

Nineveh was in the Assyrian empire; they were a nasty lot, many bad dudes with attitude problems. They would kick your momma and your cat too just because they don’t like the way they look. Jonah suddenly decided to take a vacation to Tarshish, which was the total opposite direction of Nineveh. He packed up his tacky Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops and caught a cruise liner to go on his unplanned getaway.

Well wouldn’t you know it, God did not let Jonah get away so easily. A great storm broke out and the sailors freaked. They wanted to lighten the ship’s load, so they started throwing cargo over the side of the boat. They threw off the exercise machines nobody used, because who wants to exercise when you’re on holiday? People just really want the all you can eat food buffets. When the sailors threw overboard the frozen margarita machine, it upset many of the other passengers.

While all this commotion was going on, Jonah was below deck catching some zzzs. With the crazy storm and people going crazy, he must have been a really been a deep sleeper.  The ship captain found Jonah and woke him up. “How can you sleep in time like this? Get up and call on your god and maybe he will spare us.”

Jonah said, “Dude, I didn’t bring my phone, I’m on vacation.  Plus my carrier charges some wicked charges for roaming minutes.”

Then the sailors attempted to use a very scientific study to determine who was responsible for the storm. They cast lots. Meteorology was not very advanced back then. Mister Jonah drew the short stick. At first he was happy, thinking he won a cruise game and a prize of some type, like a toaster oven, but then the captain explained the lottery was not until next hour of the cruise. The sailors started asking him all kinds of questions. “Where are you from? What is your country? Who do you think is going to win the Miss World contest?”

Jonah answered, “I am Hebrew. I worship the Lord, maker of everything. I also think Miss Israel has a good shot this year. Her dog juggling act is incredible!”

The sailors freaked out again. They knew Jonah was running away from his Lord, because he had talked about it earlier on the trip. They were also upset, most of them favored Miss Egypt to take the crown this year with her mesmerizing mime act.

The sea was getting rougher so they asked him, “What should we do to make the sea calm?”

Jonah responded, “Well, it is my fault that this great storm has come. My God is upset with me. You could pick me and throw me into the sea to see if things calm down, but I don’t think you guys would do such a thing right? You enjoy my company and like my humorous jokes! Hey do you hear the one about the rabbi and the rabbit?”

The very next second, Jonah was treading water, “Man they were rude throwing me over like that! Well, I’m never taking that cruise liner again. I wonder if I still get my bonus miles for the trip? I’ll need to talk to my travel agent.”

After Jonah was in the sea, the storm calmed. Then the sailors feared the Lord and made vows to him. They also stopped throwing things and people overboard, which made the other passengers very happy.

While swimming in the water Jonah said, “Oh well, things couldn’t get much worse.”

Then a giant fish swallowed him.

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