Start of the Blame Game: Genesis 1-3

Abbreviated version of Genesis 1-3 with a lot of personal commentary.

In the beginning, there was not much to do. There wasn’t any music to dance to, no commercials telling you what you can buy to make your teeth whiter, or any reality t.v. programming to watch (which probably was a good thing.)

God decided to do somethings. He made things such as night, day, the sky and the earth. Afterwards, He was pleased with what He made because it was all good. He did not stop there; He went on to make animals, like birds and fish and some funny acting creatures, like a monkey. Then He decided to make something in His image to look after things; He made man. After that, He decided to rest, because after a lot of work we all like to take it easy, am I right?

God named the man, Adam, and placed him in a garden where he had everything he needed. The only rule God laid down was not to chomp on a fruit from one of the trees. At the time Adam said, “Cool, I can deal with it.”

Man’s life was free of worries. He did not have to drive all week through traffic just so he can go to a building where he needed to wear a name badge and an uncomfortable necktie; in fact he did not have to wear anything at all! He also didn’t have to worry about rent, taxes or death. The best thing was there weren’t annoying telemarketers interrupting his dinner. Oh what a life!

Even though there were no sports to watch, man got along fine. Eventually God saw Adam needed something else. Even with a nice, affectionate dog, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” So one day, while Adam was sleeping, God took a rib from the man and some earth from the ground and created woman.

When Adam awoke, he was probably a little freaked out having been a victim of an unplanned surgery. But he became very happy finding a new companion who did not drool as much as the dog. He did not know it yet, but later she would complain about all the sports games he watched, remind him how he forgot to take out the trash and would get angry with him when he did not listen to her. But that would come later. He named her “Eve” because she did not respond very well when he called to her, “Hey you, woman!”

So everything at this point was perfect until…

One day, while the woman was grocery shopping, she came across a serpent. This was no ordinary serpent; it was the sneakiest snake of all, a demon called Satan. When the lady was coming down the grocery aisle, the demon asked, “Excuse me madam. Would you like to sample a taste of this fruit? It is yummy, yummy good.”

The woman shook her head, “The man said we are not to eat the fruit. He was told this by God.”

The demon then explained, “The reason why they don’t want you to eat from it is because it will give you insight on how things work and what is going on around you. Don’t you want to know things and have knowledge?”

“Of course I do. I want to know things,” the woman thought. “I want to know the depth of the seas, the heights of the mountains, and why God made that funny acting monkey who keeps stealing all our food.”

“Well if you eat this fruit, your eyes will be open to all kind of things,” the serpent winked.

Eve took the fruit, put it in her shopping bag and returned home.

She showed the man the object she had brought.

“What are you doing with that? That’s the fruit from the tree which we are not supposed to eat!” the man exclaimed.

The woman told the man what the serpent had said; she then took a bite from the fruit. She then handed it over to man. The man, not wanting to be left out, also took a bite. After they sinned against God, their eyes were open to their nakedness. Then they heard God coming down the path of the garden.

“Oh jeepers, here comes the Big Guy, and we aren’t wearing neckties! Eve, come let’s hide in these bushes!”

God came along, “Hello? Hello, hey it’s me, God. I brought pizza and soda. Where is everyone?”

“We aren’t in these bushes! It’s just us shrubbery out here. Yes, nothing but us green foliage,” Adam declared in the best greenish, leafy voice he could think up of.

God bent down and said, “Come out of there.”

Adam and Eve reluctantly poked out their heads from the shrubs, “Okay, You found us. We never seem to win at this hide-and-seek game with You.”

God thought, “Yeah, well I am omnipotent.” He then asked the man to explain why they were hiding.

“We aren’t wearing neckties,” the man stated embarrassed.

“How do you know about clothing?” God asked the man, whom He held accountable for the pair’s action.

“The woman You gave me, had me eat the fruit from the tree,” the man pointed his finger at the female. “She also told me I should not wear tig